Save yourself from you

now on this journal is private

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 21:47:08 GMT

I am bullshit. Eat 'em up!

off the deep end whoosh

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 23:04:00 GMT

<3

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:59:17 GMT

Listen

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 17:13:44 GMT

There's always a lesson to be learned and it's the same lesson in various forms, but always learn the hard way. If you could have one moment in these shoes i wish you would and take them far away.

I am so afraid as I find myself crying in the superlab here at school.

"I don't want to take more than what you can give." - Pearl Jam

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 14:56:28 GMT

insignificant

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:54:28 GMT

Maggot

To see maggots in your dream, represents some issue or problem that you have been rejecting and it is now "eating away" at you . You need to confront it for it is destroying your sense of harmony and balance.

In particular, to dream that you are stepping on maggots, indicates guilt and impurity. You are trying to repress your immoral thoughts or behavior . On a positive note, it may symbolize your resilience, persistence, and your ability to bounce back from adversity.

hey baby can you bleed like me?_it's a girl world we just don't know it

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:39:26 GMT

everybody is down including me. everybody has love drama. the woes of a woman's heart. if only it could beat to the rhythm of her tears, then she might be pumped back with life. if only it could beat to the rhythm of his calls, then she might find peace & never wake again

i miss him. somehow i always do. i love him as a man and really like him as himself but i'm very hurt and then it goes back in my head to me hurting him. i cried in the shower last night. it's a dream. it's done and i can't go back to sleep to try a redo. of course there are things i would change but at the moment i couldn't control them. my body was one step ahead of my mind. i said the first thing that came to mind. bullshit. i have a hard time trying to feel like i can say what's on my mind sometimes though because he belittles every other thing i say it seems like. says whatever or some shit like that. then there are times i tell him everything on my mind and he tells me "i feel like you've told me nothing about you". i'm confused?? what do you want? give me time dammit give me time

every time i feel like i get a little bit closer to him but not fast enough. every time i feel like i can tell him a little bit more and still i'm a stranger to him.

"you're just a friend i fuck and who takes me to the grocery store"

...guess so

i know i'm a horrible person but i know i'm not.

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:41:25 GMT

i had a great visit with my family. i still didn't get to see all the cousins i wanted to. my cousin with hep c is doing pretty good right now but he has sores on his legs now that won't heal. my mom knows that hep c is not contagious if you're very careful just like with aids but still she makes sure he drinks out of stirofoam cups when he's over. he's careful as well and is just thankful his wife doesn't have it. his brother grayson, my other cousin, now has 8 kids and he's pretty much abandoned them all. this latest chick with the newborn is bipolar and doesn't always want to take her prescription. she takes illegal drugs when she runs out that make her crazy. i met her once before. grayson's 2 first children have had enough with his druggie girlfriends and it's not enough that their mom abuses meth. i'm very happy to hear that their doing well in school. dylan is way into skateboarding and refuses to cut his hair. i told his grandma he's not allowed to. kendall is a 4th grade cheerleader. my mom & i missed her practice :(. we wanted to see her cheer and meet the new baby, kara, that grayson's gf was bringing.

my sister & i tubed down the tuckaseegee. we went rock fishing at the pick up point. found some beautiful deep brown rocks w micah in it that reminded me of his eyes. my dad suggest i soak them in polyurethane to keep the luster and it worked pretty well. found some neat, flat ones i'm going to make candle holders/slabs out of.

ruth & i visited my grandma before i left. she says business at her warehouse has slowed down a lot. i was studying her face while she was talking and i didn't realize how aged her face is. i know she looks old but she's got a lot of wear and tear. she always wears NICE jewelry and has her hair done. anywho with business being slow she says she is so bored bc nothing is really going on.

she said something like, "i don't want to do busy work. i'm intelligent and intelligent people need challenges." it was really empowering to hear her say that with all that she's been through. she regards herself as someone who's worth it. worth knowing something. worth a challenge.

grandma june

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 02:03:35 GMT

We sell ourlseves short. It's the Amercian way.

I am in a constant state of misunderstanding.

My mother is socially awkward.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:58:02 GMT

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:06:23 GMT

i'm scared

that i won't ever be anything
that i'll be chasing these dreams i'm not capable of

they should make a movie about ME. not fear of spiders or ghosts but debilitating fear. i don't want it to ever make me not want to get out of bed

people think i'm on the right track and tell me i'm a strong woman
but they don't know i live in fear
can't escape my head

i'm beginning to think i like to hurt people bc i like to break/i want them to hurt me back. i like torment bc it's what i'm used to.

is it strange that the only immediate pleasure i find from going to school is to make fools of people. i feel confronted.

when i slip into the fear like a black dress my brain goes to hurting people. out of defense? defense of what? school making a fool of me?

its date night
i slip into the fear like a black dress
the torment calls on my body to share its cold coffin
my own torture pulls on my heart and creeps in my head like a lost lover
it's holding a mirror and it's not me staring back underneath all the hurt and hate
it's something that smiles inside and the grin only grows bigger with each lost word, broken heart, and mile in between us
the poison is consumed and this will be taken care of tonight
and that's all you need to know
i miss you

from jess

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:59:45 GMT

couldn't have said it better myself

You know that person who never stops loving you, even when you fuck up, when you fuck yourself and everyone else over. That person who loves you so much it honestly makes your stomach hurt sometimes, because you don't fucking get it, because you might not deserve it. That person who loves you so much, the thought of them, the memory is something solid to hold onto while you sleep. That person who loves you so much it makes you BETTER. That person who thinks of you always...

Thats the only thing you should ever settle for. And it isn't settling. Settling is that person who makes you feel complacent. That person whom its EASY to love.

Well love isn't easy. Hardly ever. And when its easy... Its not often worth it.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:40:02 GMT

the only way i can come into work almost everyday is I lodge a razor blade between my ribs so that I'm so distracted by the blood leaking into my lungs and suffocating me than how much i die from clocking in

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 23:25:33 GMT

i will kill you with kindness lady. a kind dagger

i bought FF XI (or the next one...can't remember how many i's)

so i'm ready to GO HOME

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:12:29 GMT

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:14:55 GMT

mmm one more

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:52:35 GMT

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 23:23:46 GMT

where do i belong

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 16:04:20 GMT

is it time to drink yet?

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 22:39:46 GMT

i really want him to meet my dad. they would get along great and could play guitar together

he's so sweet, jealous, rageful, generous, and so couldn't care less

but i know i have my flaws. i know i hurt him too.

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:57:46 GMT

"Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart"
-jess

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 00:54:17 GMT

you'll never know dear how much i love you
but please
don't take my sunshine away

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:46:28 GMT

I'm sending an email to the fashion advising director just to touch base..i think i will close it with

Bitches Get Stitches,
Esther Hamlin

un

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 23:21:28 GMT

been undone by what i'm unaware of

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:57:10 GMT

classes are done. i'm stressed

i will be a gazillion years old and i will still be accused of hate crimes against him by associating with people he doesn't like anymore. that is stressing me. we will never come to agreeance on the subject. don't people know that if something is prohibited i have to be told that blatantly otherwise i'm going to think it's not prohibited. i got sticky fingers, i'm like the kid who wants to touch everything!! sorry i misunderstood. and that's all it was. i don't know what else to do about it

all i wanted was to be with him tonight and talk about this morning. that's it. but broken bones can't collect dust i guess

i can't watch youtube in the lobby like i once could bc it's blocked bc some dude decided he was going to watch porn and spluge over everything like a puppy. that's all i want to do to relieve some stress...ALL I WANT TO DO!

i would much rather prefer watching t.v. and eating popcorn with said person above (not spluge guy) but oh well

i want to laugh. i want to eat some popcorn and i want to go to bed with my shoulders not tensing up

lobby conversation:

black man singing: women are overrated

me: so is dick but oh well

bms: what would women do without me?

me: i don't know you & i'm obviously doing pretty good [insert laughter from black women in lab]