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Visions From Jesus

I experienced a vision when I was walking down the streets of Detroit. I was with my partner at the time. He didn't experience anything at all during this time and it was over just as soon as it began. I saw a bright, shiny gold slit, like the line a closed eye makes between the lashes, that opened up to a brilliant light just like an eye would. However this light consumed me. I felt like this dimension was being ripped open as I began to simply not exist in this light. Only my soul existed. My breath even became flat like paper and folded back in on itself. Maybe you don't understand, but I felt my breath turn into something tangible. My whole body felt like it was pages of a book being flipped through and pressed back. Kind of like this whole life is a closed book and your life consumes the area outside of the book. Then the book is opened and the pages exposed. The spaces between the pages becoming bigger as the book gets opened more and more is comparable to the gold slit I saw that was opening. Once the book is opened, nothing outside of the pages exists, the pages take up the entire universe.

Almost like my layers, pages were being flipped back as the book finally opened fully.

I remember the light being full of hope and love. Then it shut up.

At the time I felt so lost after I experience this. I was already depressed and feeling suicidal. Not at my best place. But I needed to experience that hope to know that there is something worth living for.

Maybe I was in the presence of the Lord. The bible says to be absent from the body is to be with the Lord.... Hmmm. Maybe like Daniel's vision by the Tigris river where no one else saw it but him. Or Ezekiel's vision that had bright light. Paul was surrounded by light too. If you have any thoughts, let me know.
Two nights ago I prayed for Doug, with Doug, when God told me not to. I went home and noticed that breakouts on the corners of my forehead had returned. That puts me a month back. So I am really seeking God. Asking to be on fire so I can get out of this affliction. So that I would not make the same mistakes and move on. Sometimes our greatest role is to just be there. Sometimes our greatest prayer is listening and ministering. Prayer does something. It puts two people in agreement, almost to say if you are in the ditches I will be there too. Doug's in the ditch, but he needs to first bring his life to Christ. My position of prayer is to sometimes just be there. I know I don't fully understand this. I pray that Jesus would keep telling me about prayer through his disciples.

Radical Transformation

Oh my gosh...Holy Spirit came to breathe into my memory again. While I was working on my painting a guest came to my wing of the hostel to use the internet (router doesn't work on that side..pretty sure God is doing that). She was looking up pictures of a storage center that burnt down near her home in Toronto. It was burning for an entire week and burnt to the ground, but the firemen never said what was the cause. She said that it is suspected that it was either organized crime or meth labs. I asked her if there were a lot of black people there in Toronto because from my own experience in the mountains meth is the white man's drug.

That got her looking up all these ethnic statistics and we were discussing the population diversity. I was phasing in and out of what she was saying while I was painting, but realized I wasn't paying attention and pulled back in. Somehow she asked me something about the mountains, maybe our drug problem, but I began talking about living in SC and in NC. Then she asked me when I moved to the mountains and how long I had been there.

As I was remembering the years I had been there the Holy Spirit revelated dates to me. One time the wrong date "popped" in my head and it's so easy to mistake that for God sometimes, but I knew it was a lie. Then the right date came to my mind. It was definitely God. I believe in miracles and whenever I have my life together I know God will pull my writing together and will release this book in me.

So far I release it in parts to guests, to friends, to encounters with strangers to evangelize and I'm okay with that. For a while there I wasn't able to discuss politics, my life, or what I was passionate about. I was turning into this shell of a person. It was a covering on my life. It can come in through pride, but it can be lifted off with confession and submission. When I see myself in the spirit I see a bunch of pockets of static. There's interference with who I am in Christ.

My true self is shining through. The Jesus in me is coming out. Bringing me laughter, pain with growth, love, my own sense of humor. It's not easy because as God pulls out the weeds sometimes a flower comes out, but it is necessary for new growth. And I make mistakes, mistakes that set me back. So I pray that God will have lots of Mercy on me and that I would be filled with His love. It's with His love that we can't go wrong.

Second time God has used an unbeliever to minister to me. Thank you Jesus. May I entice a curiosity in them for you.

Aug. 28th, 2012

This morning my neighbor saw my dove tattoo on the back of my calf when I was putting up the hose after watering the garden. As I walked away he asked me a question. I thought he said, "Would you like some toast with your cab?" But umm, that was actually not it. What he asked was, "Is that some kind of dove on your calf?"

Yes, it is. I walked back and looked down at this long forgotten yet admired tattoo and said, "Yeah, it's a saying from one of my favorite bands when I was a teen." It's a homemade tattoo I got when I was 18 from a co-worker who worked with me at Pizza Hut. It carries a banner saying "Liberate te ex Inferis".

As I walked away again I pondered what that actually means, "Save yourself from hell," and the band that inspired it. When I rounded the corner I thought about how ridiculous all that was as a teenager. Even though it inspired me at that time, but now looking back on it seeing all the extremities of the genre it's different. Then I thought, "Yes, I really do have a Zao tribute tattoo," and guffawed to myself.

If you don't know who the band is it's Zao. A Christian HxC band (yes, I will use the correct grammar) that came out in the late 90s/early 2000s when the Christian music community was being heavily influenced by young adults forming bands in the name of God, but wearing Lamb of God shirts still. Their use of poetry on brokenness and depth of sorrow is more apt to inspire a mosh pit of pride then a frenzy of worship. For me looking back on it I see myself wallowing in despair when I'm in the heart of it. You can still worship from that place, but it is from behind bars. We all worship from our brokenness sometimes, but we we can be delivered from it if we want to.

But I'll stop here, I'm not at a place of full deliverance to talk about my seedy musical past. Hahaha....

Guffaw; v. - aka bwahaha.
Upon looking for my keys earlier in my purse I had the thought come through Where my keys is? Then I said out loud jokingly Wow where did that improper use of language come from?

The thought that followed all of this, I'm 28 years old. I have my community college degree. I don't have to use proper language anymore.

Haha.....I'm going to start making more jokes about my five year community college experience. I used to be ashamed of it like, Man everyone has their frikin life together with their fancy degrees but me! But now I feel very fortunate to have gotten it because I see how many don't have anything.
Today is the start of a new season. I would liken it going back to school. All the excitement of the first day back to class. There will be many lessons to be learned and many new friends to make along the way. Some of us run a little late, but there is a lot of Grace for catching up.
Everyone needs help putting their wings on.

Mama Fierce

Dreamed this morning that Caleb playfully pushed me, that was it, but I woke out of it to something forcefully pushing me in the kidneys. In the dream it looked a lot like Caleb, but it wasn't him. You can't convince me that you're Caleb. And there's no way that I'm going to stop believing in him just because you're around.

Fill 'er up!

Today I'm going to spend the whole day in bed...err most of it.

Aug. 11th, 2012


I was in Woodbridge (old neighborhood) visiting Caleb and family. They were moving out. Caleb bought me some things. An Ipod (several of the same kind actually, like a packet) and something else. I couldn't figure out if it was because of belated birthday or because I was pregnant, but I know it was more so because I was pregnant. I was trying to tell him thank you and was rambling or couldn't get the right words out. He walked away and said I said something else or misunderstood me. I was trying to tell him how thankful I was, but he didn't hear me correctly. He said something about being sorry that he couldn't understand me. It was genuine but it was like I'm sorry you're having a hard time kind of sorry. It got crazy in there because my words were not matching my heart so I started running down the street. (I've been praying lately that my words return to me. It's been hard to journal lately, much less write. So many times I can speak words that are not my own. 'Tis the life of an intercessor.)

Found lost keys. A ton of them. Found someone who knew the owner of them but they left so I threw them back on the ground. I think that speaks to who I am. Not everyone needs my help. I was literally running. Trying to run the whole way home. Pretty sure I was trying to get to the Hostel. Went into another part of Woodbridge, like into an old building with apartments in it...More like one of those old apartment complexes with rooms from the 40s or older. Like the ones Caleb and I used to live in. I was really trying to tell him what was on my heart, even though I didn't need to tell him how thankful I was, and I could tell he really cared but that it didn't come out the same way. It was stifled (word of the season). Deep down I could feel his heart, but expressing it he came out disconnected. Kind of like the Caleb I saw last winter.

The room I thought was mine or where I thought I could sleep for the night had its light turned off and was moonlit. I didn't feel like I should take it so I didn't go in there. Instead there were these two girls across the hallway that needed help carrying some boxes in their room. I helped for a second and chatted briefly. I liked them. Helping them out made the complex feel like a community instead of a bunch of empty rooms. There was a line of people in the hallway going into this one room. A lady similar to Amma was in another room taking in visitor asking questions. I came in at the end of the line. I was saying Jesus in my head because I was feeling all these things coming on me and then they lifted off.

I wasn't going to ask a question. Instead she was asking me questions about where I was from. I seemed to be a mystery to her. I was eating a humongous Reese's that she was giving out to visitors. Amma gives out Hershey Kisses. I wanted to ask her if she thought all this really helped anyone. She was giving out Indian medical advice. If it wasn't that I remember it being a really good question God wanted me to ask. It wasn't an insulting question. I remember that. We were at the part of why I came here when I usually tell people that God sent me here if they ask (So what prompted you to come here?). But I stopped, we got interrupted, and I didn't feel led to say that. It would have derailed the conversation into Oh we worship the same God...No we don't Amma lady. The conversation was going somewhere good. I could feel it. I was about to take her somewhere conversationally.

We got interrupted and I had to leave with another lady who was some sort of diplomatic. At this point in the dream I was pregnant and about to be homeless since everyone was leaving. This lady I think was tied in with Caleb. He seemed to be tied in with the government. Could be because of his present day Navy ties. We rode to the River Walk where there were games and fireworks later. On the way there we got checked into a secured zone by the river by some funny celebrity. I wanted to stop and talk but the lady wanted to keep driving because they drove her nuts or something. Then George Bush was walking across the road and I sarcastically said Oh No Don't hit George Bush!...I think that was God's little funny break..showing me my own humor.

This was during the day then it turned to night and we were on the river walk. There was a zombie outbreak. A guy got bitten so this lady and I fled back to the car. There were some outbreaks along the way and government police type people trying to help the important people get back to their cars. I remember it getting back to daylight when I was back at her car but she wasn't with me. There was a $50 in the backseat where I was sitting. I knew that was from her. She wanted to help with my baby. ... I think that was Jesus.

This is like the dreams I was having in the mountains but so much better.